That’s how the saying goes, you make plans and God laughs! I can honestly say I get this and I’ve started laughing with Him. We all do it, we picture our lives when we are kids. I’m going to get married, have this many kids (I wanted 5 girls), a huge brick house, I was going to be a doctor, and my husband, well honestly never really imagined that part which explains a lot. As I got older I modified the plan to fit me at that time, until one day after three kids, a divorce, dropping out of medical school, and re-starting my writing career multiple times, I laugh often.
There are times when I think I have completely lost it because I should be crying. Moments where I face myself and I don’t know what to do, when I’m backed in a corner, when I’m the person soley responsible for making decisions that can change someone else’s future, a very scary thought. In the past when I would have cried, I just look to the heavens and say “Let’s just go ahead and do this Your way!” I’m learning that I am a hard headed child who tends to lean towards taking the hard road. Let’s just say I understand the “Prodigal Son.” I have strayed from the path I know I should take many times and every time I’ve been welcomed back with open arms and a thump on my head. I can’t help but laugh at myself, how many times have I told my kids to do something the way mom told you the first time, yet I myself don’t listen.
This journey has not always been easy, I’ve had moments where I thought life would swallow me alive. When I look back over those moments I smile and have a little chuckle, knowing it’s nothing but grace that has gotten me through. What moments have taken place in your life that you know it was nothing but grace that kept you? Are you able to laugh at yourself?
I get a text message from one of my favorite fashionista blogger, Marcia Craggett, The Undercover Fashionista, go follow her now. “Let’s shoot!” I think I came up with an excuse every time she made this request and then one day the request came through and it sounded like a demand. I love taking pictures but as of late I was just blah about it. I needed new content for my site, but what would the purpose be behind it. Marcia could careless, I needed pics and she wanted to shoot so here we go. Early on a Saturday morning in some cold almost wet weather, I’m outside, exposed! The hour long shoot produced this month’s reflection “Know Nik November!” In the next phase of this journey, I’m being called to be more transparent, to be open and honest about how I am called to help other moms, maternal figures navigate this life without completely losing it.
Life is always happening! The kids are growing and transitioning themselves. My 9-5 has undergone multiple restructuring, I’m currently looking for a home, I’m building a business in which I help other women elevate their lives, I’m speaking at conferences, I’m writing a book, podcasting, and blogging. As I grow and let’s face it dominate these areas of my life, I’ve suffered some losses. When they say it’s lonely on the rise to the top they are not lying! Relationships have become complicated and some have died. In a time where I definitely need a team around me to support, to listen, to keep me grounded, I often find myself standing alone! This is not what I envisioned when I saw success in my future. I spend a lot of time alone!
As I sit here and even write this I can honestly say in the beginning I was devastated! How can I accomplish this life without my people?! Then I am reminded of seasons and reasons! There are seasons for people, situations, and things in your life, there are reasons people come and go, why situations change you, and why things come in and others move out. Taking all of this in and really dealing with myself and my reasons for even wanting to elevate my legacy, I now know that every lesson I learned in those seasons and reasons has enabled me to handle transitioning.
I am blessed to walk in these shoes! While transitioning, building, and welcoming new people into the village I’m thankful for it all. There are moments (Facebook) memories Where I see where I was and I think back to those amazing times with amazing people, then I look forward and I see many more extraordinary awesome times to come. This month “Know Nik November” I’m letting you in. I want you to know me, to see me, the growth I’m going through and the growth I’ve achieved. I’m excited to be on this journey. Stay tuned!
SPOILER ALERT! If you watch “This Is Us” and you are not caught up on all episodes, STOP right here. There will definitely be a few revealing things referenced here. Let’s get into this. In the last few episodes before break we see Beth and Randall in their relationship, we get how they met, how life has been since they met and then up to this point with all the arguing they have been doing recently. This note right here is about our BFF Beth and how she has compromised her entire relationship with Randall and she is finally all out of compromise. In a heated argument she says they have been having the same argument their entire relationship and she chose to be the bigger person and cater to him. WOW, can you image always being the person to give in, to never really feel heard but to keep the peace you just go with the flow. I know too many women who feel this way. We tend to just want to make everything great for everyone else and we never consider how that will make us feel. Then one day like lava building in a volcano we explode and whoever is in the area of that flame better just watch out. How dare they not realize all the sacrifices we have made for them, canceled plans, missed out wine time, hair that looks crazy, but at least little Johnny had cupcakes for his class that he told me about at midnight. We can be real life super heroes sometimes. As I watch Beth have her moment I realize there is someone to blame and it’s not Randall or the kids, or all of the other people she put before herself, the only person to blame is Beth. So guess who I’m going to blame for your identity crisis???? You got it, YOU!
Don’t roll your eyes sista! Come on in the upper room, grab your tea cup and allow me to pour. Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror and described who you are? Not just the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, but who you really are. We get so caught up in the role we play in other people’s lives we tend to forget to show up in our own. We tell ourselves that someday we will but someday never manages to come and then like Beth one day we just cut loose like a tornado destroying whatever is in it’s path. We feel justified in letting loose because we held back so long, this moment was inevitable, right?! Wrong! We owe it to ourselves to be true to who we are, we owe it to ourselves to demand time for ourselves, we owe it to ourselves to heal, to laugh, to say no, and to just be. We forget that we have to show up for us! Instead of doing that we play roles in the lives of those around us and I’m sure sometimes it’s roles we are happy to play. When we overextend ourselves and we cater to others needs without thinking about how it will impact who we are, we lose ourselves. This right here is the greatest form of Identity Theft!
Guess what? You can reclaim who you are. You may have lost your way from you for a moment, but you have the road map back to who you were or who you want to become. It always amazes me that I can carry the tools to make Nanekia the best version of herself. It is my divine destiny to walk this life fulfilling my purpose and you are to do the same! We don’t have to keep playing roles we don’t want to play. We can rewrite the script and allow for us to lovingly, actively pursue our greatest purpose. Right now look in the mirror and say I’m coming for you, I’m claiming joy in your life, I love you! Now, I’ll be honest when you start to show up for you some people will get mad, they will not be use to this new found love you have for you, they won’t recognize you. That’s okay because you may not recognize you but you will learn and so will they.
How do we cope with identity theft? Well, just like the bank tells us, stop access to all of your funds, stop all the access to you. Do not give yourself so freely to others if you cannot afford too. If you cannot afford to put energy or effort into a situation then don’t. Now I can hear some mom or wife, “my family comes first”…I get that, but if you are not right with you how will you be of any service to them. Think about if you have ever flown what does the safety video tell you?! I’ll wait…SECURE YOURSELF FIRST! There is a reason for this, if you try to help someone else first and they don’t know how to help you, you risk losing consciousness and not being secured at all. If you take the time to secure you first you can help those around you and who knows the number of lives you might save. Secondly determine what you do and don’t like. Personally I’ve spent enough time doing things I did not enjoy for people all because I wanted to be considered loyal, a good person, worthy of them. Listen (read) carefully, you are worthy even if they never acknowledge your worthiness. You do not have to live a joyless life, in joyless moments. Be honest with your people, I don’t like baseball honey, I like spending time with you but I hate baseball, Johnny you should have told Mommy you needed cupcakes earlier, it’s midnight and the stores are closed, I would love to babysit for you, but this is my only day off and I need to be with me. You not only teach people how to treat you, but you teach yourself how to treat you. Know your worth and don’t be afraid to flex it!
Do you feel like you have lost yourself? Do you feel like life is overwhelming and you may never figure out who you are? My friend I bring you good news, you can begin right now with the decision you make for yourself today to reclaim who you are! You have the power to tell a different story where we see you happy and healthy loving you and those around you. Reclaiming your identity starts with you! How are you going to do it?
If you’d like to hear more on this topic tune in to the Just One Hot Mom Maternal Self-Care podcast, “Identity Thief” Episode 3. Don’t forget to Like, Share, & Subscribe!
Have you ever tried to figure out what you are in life? Most
recently I met with my business coach who asked this question. I wrote out this
big plan I planned to go over with him, only for him to destroy it and have me
start over, to get to the root of what I am.
I am a lot of things! I’m a mom, daughter, sister, blogger, host, significant other, motivational speaker, mommy coach, I mean I carry a lot of titles. Apparently this wasn’t the answer he was looking for because he kept pressing the issue. I remember sitting there and being extremely frustrated that he kept asking me what I was. So what did I do when I was backed into a corner with this questions I yelled, “I’M HUNGRY!” Now I wasn’t hungry in the physical sense that I wanted to eat, but I was hungry to see my vision come to life, to grow my brand, and to be successful. I’m hungry and I’m sure you are too.
So what does it mean to be hungry? Well according to dictionary.com if we break down and apply it outside of needing food, being hungry is to have a desire or craving. I have a desire, a craving to help maternal figures take care of themselves and their families, I have a yearning to see parents providing happy homes for their children, where they can have open and honest communication. The hunger I have to see these things come to pass, would be causing me to starve if I wasn’t working on feeding that hunger. So why don’t we feed that craving, that sound coming from our belly? I think it’s because we are scared. 1. We are scared to voice that we have a desire to do something greater with our lives 2. We are not sure what we are hungry for.
Let’s talk about it. When you step outside your comfort zone it can be really scary. I mean heart stopping, sweating palms, wanting to hide scary. If you are going to live your God-given purpose you must conquer this fear. There is something in this world that only you can do, that select people need to see you do. I am a firm believer that we all can be doing the same thing, but there will be that one unique thing that makes us different and that is what that person needs to see. Fear will destroy any chance you have of exploring your greater good. Now I know saying that and actually being able to achieve it are two very different things. But has what you’ve been doing as of late working toward your purpose, has fear been helping you to feed that hunger? I doubt it, so why not get uncomfortably, comfortable and take a chance on yourself.
Then there is the other end of the spectrum. You have a desire but you can’t pinpoint exactly what it is you want to do. You are all over the place doing things, without doing anything at all. You are starving because the menu is too big, you have too many options. If this is your case my advice, GET REAL WITH YOU! Sit down look yourself in the mirror and say “I’m out of control, I need help, I need focus!” Then get to the business of getting all of that. For me, I decided to meet with two business coaches and get perspective on what I actually wanted to achieve. I know what I have a passion for, but I’m easily distracted by trying to please everyone. I was doing more harm than good to my brand trying to go into a market not meant for me. Once I was able to sit down, write a very detailed mission statement and objective, I was able to focus. Find what help you to get focused.
We all have talent! We all have purpose! What is your talent? What is your purpose? Don’t be afraid to admit you are hungry to learn the answer to those questions. Your challenges 1. Be fearless 2. Focus. Let me know how you plan to feed the beast within you.
To hear more tune into Episode 2 of the Just One Hot Mom, Maternal Self-care podcast. Don’t forget to subscribe!
Let’s face it, it’s hard to get our children to clean their rooms, eat their vegetables, and sometimes brush their teeth or shower (ewwww). With trying to get them to do the basic things, how on the Earth are you going to talk to them about setting goals. We live in a microwave society where everything is supposed to happen instantly and if it doesn’t it’s not worth it. Kids are supposed to achieve things right away or why even do it. Parental figures we are going to have to unplug the microwave and go back to the basics of waiting for things to heat up in the oven…
We have done the work to implant in our children that they can do whatever they put their minds to. Dream the impossible dream and then make it possible. What a wonderful thought of just being able to dream something and it happens for you. That’s cool if you have a magic wand but if you don’t, like most of us you will need to set goals and make a plan to achieve them. In my previous post and podcast episode I gave you some tools as to what adults can do to help position themselves to win. Now it’s time to help our children take on that same winning attitude. How do we do that? See below:
Why is it important for children to set goals? If we plant the seed within our children that they can accomplish what they set out to do, how do they know how to get there? We have to take the time and have discussions with them about what they want to do and how they plan to do it. Now some goals will be huge and take time and others will be small, but no matter the end game we have to help them create the steps to help them achieve their goal. This starts by determining what the goal is and then setting up a process for them to achieve said goal.
Every child has something they dream of doing. Some are realistic others not so much. Conversation is vital to the next step. Talk with your children about what they really want to accomplish and why they want to accomplish this. The may say I want to save $500, why do you want to save $500, how will you save $500??? Getting to the root of why they want to do something can help you gain clarity on the person you are raising and help you set them on the path to winning.
Get Real! Now if your child wants to be a stylist to unicorns, that’s great, but is it a realistic goal?! Allow your child to be creative while setting a realistic goal that they can actually accomplish.
Take time out! Ultimately it’s their goal to accomplish so allow them to be the lead on accomplishing it. Check in with them, ask how it’s going, offer your opinion IF ASKED! The whole purpose of them setting a goal for themselves is for them to navigate this process and figure things out. You can observe, be a listening ear but allow them to drive this ship.
Hold them accountable! No matter how big or small once the goal is set then it needs to be accomplished. While you may not be in the driver’s seat of accomplishing the goal, back seat drive at some point and don’t allow your child to give up. Even if the goal has to be modified, instill in your children that once something is started they need to see it through.
Celebrate! No matter how many times they have to start over or make changes to the goal, CELEBRATE the accomplishment. This will set the tone for a lifetime of getting things done and feeling good about the results.
I can’t tell you if my children will be doctors , lawyers, hair stylist, or karate instructors someday, but what I can tell you is that they will have the tools they need to accomplish the goals they set for themselves. What are you doing to help your children excel?
If you’d like to learn more about helping children set goals, tune into Episode 2 of The Parental Guidance Counselor podcast! Don’t forget to subscribe!