A few weeks ago my sister and I embarked on a lil sister get away. We do this every now and then, just she and I, open road, or massage table, and just hang out the two of us. If anyone knows us, then they know that this relationship has had its ups and downs. My sister is the reason I started dying my hair, she is the reason my patience is thin, but she’s also the reason I am committed to being the person that I am, to being true to who I know in my heart I want to be. So sit back and read this sisterly advice I am about to give. It’s the same advice I gave my sister so I’m sharing it with you.
My sister calls me Leslie, has for a number of years, yet my name is not Leslie, my middle name is not Leslie, I have no clue why she started doing this or why I choose to answer (by the way Leslie has a nickname, Les), I tell you this just so you understand how weird she can be (kidding). On this day she called me by my real name, her question, “It really doesn’t bother you what other people think?” She goes on to say how sometimes she wish she could just let stuff roll off her, how easy it would be not to care or give a second thought to someone’s opinion. I touched a little bit on this in the previous post. I had to think a little bit, because sometimes I give off vibes that I am not aware of, it’s just who I am, part of the things that make up me. As I sat there and she kept talking, I zoned out for a bit, I’m sure she probably said something profound, but I had to think of an answer that would help she and I. Did I care what people thought and was my not caring a front or did I really not give two flat tires and it is what it is? In all honesty I wasn’t aware that this was my attitude. I really just try to be true to myself and live my life according to those rules.
Here’s the answer: It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t want to spend my entire existence worried. Am I a good mother, am I a good person, do people think I’m pretty, do people like me, am I fat, am I smart, am I good enough, if I do this will people be disappointed, etc. There are so many things to worry about, that I have over the last few years spent time purposefully not allowing those worries to creep in. There was a time, not too long ago, where I focused on everyone’s thoughts except my own. I gave their opinions validation and set my own feelings to the side. I was miserable, but so what at least I was making everyone around me happy. Then one morning I woke up, I looked in the mirror and I didn’t notice myself. I was there but I was just a shell housing this personality that I didn’t agree with. I decided I no longer wanted to be just a vessel that I wanted to matter, I wanted to matter to me. Every day since that revelation, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and I’ve made a promise, to be the best version of me I can be, To not get so wrapped up in my own thoughts or the thoughts of others, but to appreciate me, to be honest with myself, to have difficult conversations with myself, to love me. So it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I’m happy being me. I am my biggest competitor and also my biggest cheerleader, I know when I’m making progress and when I’m being lazy, I know when my intentions are right and when they are wrong. It’s not just me, we all know this about ourselves, it’s just some choose not to recognize it. My goal is to impress me daily, to support myself, to realize I am a force to be reckoned with. I still listen when other people give their opinion, it’s just now, it’s weighted differently. I appreciate all the love and support, the warnings and the guiding, but at the end of the day I have to be true to who I know I am.
Who are you? What do you stand for? Have you allowed others thoughts to form who you are? Are you happy with that person? No matter what be true to you.